I wanted and needed to grab onto something … someone that would help me feel like my “old” self. And sure enough, I met that very person. But?

Salwa, A 37 years old woman originally from Tripoli but she lived in Benghazi where she had her wedding, let me begin by saying that I’m married to a wonderful man who truly loves and understands me for who I am. But after five years of marriage and an unwanted pregnancy I felt my life, what was left, slipping out of my grasp.

I’m in no way promoting having an affair, nor am I assuaging myself of the guilt I carry for my actions, lest anyone should think otherwise. This is just my personal inquiry of the wisdom I can derive at this point in my life as I work to let go of and heal from the impact of this experience.

I met “Noha” at the gym at the beginning of 2015. I’d seen her there a few times before our first actual introduction and asked a mutual acquaintance what her situation was. Was she married, boyfriend, single? None of the above.

The next days at the gym, Noha curiously asked me if I found out what I was looking for. I was dumbfounded by her question. Then she mentioned she knew that I looked at her instagram profile.

I gave her a very weak answer which of course she didn’t believe, but then admitted she was flattered and impressed by my boldness. I then bolted from the gym in total embarrassment.

After the drive home, I realized my reaction was a bit silly. After all, it seemed like she just wanted to get to know me. So I decided to send her a follow on instagram. Her response was immediate and I was thrilled.

We spent the next few days exchanging text messages and pictures, and I was totally overwhelmed.

Our first phone conversation was just as stimulating as our first hello. We talked for well over an hour and learned a great deal about each other. I know what you’re thinking … you talked to this person for an hour and you think you know them? Yes, because I felt something just by talking to her that I never felt before. It felt real.

We decided to have lunch early that week and she was just as I’d hoped she would be. she was polite, and very assertive, which was a complete turn-on. Halfway through our meal, she leaned over and asked me, “Do you think you could love a girl?”

My heart dropped. How is this even possible? Unless she’s a total fraud and just does this kind of thing for fun. I nodded my head yes. she made me so nervous at times that I really couldn’t even speak; I just let her do most of the talking.

We agreed to meet later after Gym for gahwa (a Turkish coffee) and more conversation. she invited me over to her house. I was a bit hesitant at first because I was fairly certain how I already felt about this woman and knew we would get intimate.

And we did.

That was the beginning of our 5-month affair. Noha and I continued to meet at her house whenever we could, whenever our work and family schedules permitted time together.

It was difficult for me to carve out more than a couple of hours each time without causing suspicion with my husband. And without feeling bad for my upcoming baby, so our time together was always limited to the boundaries of my situation: my marriage. My pregnancy. But Noha was always very understanding and supportive.

We had our ups and downs during those 5 months — more ups than downs. I like to think the downs were attributed to our restrictions because we could never be a “real” couple.

Eventually, my excuses got very sloppy and I had a hard time trying to cover up where I had been for hours at a time. My affair with Noha ended when my belly started showing, it felt like the guilt was doubled, my husband, the baby that’s coming and Noha for thinking we could have a chance to keep this going.

The biggest deception that I carried around was all of the things I once categorized as “I would never!” Having an affair was the biggest, juiciest doozy on that list, when I got married knowing that I’m a lesbian It was the one thing I thought I’d truly never do. It wasn’t who I am as a woman.

I considered myself “better than that.” However, my affair with Noha became the undoing of who I always thought I was. It was the removal of the innermost layer of self-righteousness that kept me from being “one of those people.”

It’s easy to “end up” where you didn’t think you would.

Although if I wasn’t married and pregnant Noha would definitely be the person I want to pursue my life with, now I know that things ended up going south, I have total respect for my husband and pure love for my baby, I know it will be extremely hard for me to not visualize myself with Noha, but at least I know where my heart is.